Pony Express News

Teachers to be drug tested next year

Kent Frankfother, reporter

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Next year, Morton High School teachers will start the year with random drug testing.

The testing is in response to a recent nationwide increase in drug-dependent educators.  According to a recent poll, more than a fifth (22 percent) of teachers in the nation reported they had been turning to alcohol more often, and the same percentage (22 percent) said they had increased their caffeine intake due to increased stress in their jobs.  Just under a fifth (19%) said they had lost their appetite and over one in 10 (11 percent) said they had started to use or increased their use, of anti-depressants.  In a random survey of 50 Morton teachers, 45 say they rely on some type of drug to “get through the day.”

Courtesy of The Awesomer
This guy needs his daily coffee fix, obviously.

“I can’t start my day without a jumbo cup of coffee – the stronger the better,” English teacher Mr. Tondelli said.

Caffeine is considered a drug, but fortunately, for Mr. Tondelli, this won’t make him test positive next year.  Other identified drugs may result in consequences ranging from counseling to loss of employment – even if the drugs are legal.

“As soon, as I’m out the door, I’m vaping,” journalism teacher Mr. Frankfother said.

Mr. Frankfother’s e-cig nicotine addiction may not get him fired, but if “flagged,” it may result in an increase in his school health insurance rates.

The testing may be seen as punitive, but, ultimately, the school’s intention is to improve the mental and physical health of its educators.

“Teaching isn’t one of the jobs you leave at the door.  You take papers and problems home with you,” English teacher Ms. Gacek said.  “Sometimes, I need a beer or two,” she added.

DISCLAIMER:  This MortONION article is entirely fabricated — false.  Be careful of FAKE NEWS!  Don’t spread lies.

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1 Comment

One Response to “Teachers to be drug tested next year”

  1. jacquelin ornelas on April 15th, 2019 7:14 pm

    this article was actually funny because i thought it was true for a minute. but i would also need a cup of coffee like tondellil to start off my day if i was a teacher. my favorite part was when it said that they were gonna consider coffee a drug! you guys should definetly do more of these types of articles

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The student news site of Morton East High School
Teachers to be drug tested next year