Dear Morton East,

I was encouraged to offer a few comments regarding my upcoming retirement before I slip into the fading gloom of my twilight years.  At the very least, I would hope to dispel any rumors you may have heard regarding my departure. 

Allow me to address the most obvious issues first. Please don’t assume that because I have acne means that I am not eligible for retirement. 

Also, I wish it to be known that I don’t like the mention of “retirement”.  It suggests that I should start acting my age.  I never have done so, and do not intend to start now.  Come to think of it, I don’t even like what retirement might suggest about age. I don’t feel old.  In fact, most days I don’t feel anything until well after noon!  

Some of you have suggested to me that I may have been too hasty in my decision, but I assure you I was not.  I simply thought it best to start thinking about my retirement before “Gambo” did. 

Others have worried that I would not know what to do with all my time.  Rest assured that this will not be a problem.  My wife has not retired from managing my time. 

More importantly, I don’t want any of you to assume that I have issues with Morton.  I assure you that I still have great affection for Morton, as I do for all of you.  But just because I have been fortunate enough to work with such a remarkable group of dedicated professionals doesn’t mean I want to spend the rest of my life with you! 

I do have one goal for my retirement that seems reasonable enough.  Assuming Moton has no intention of casting my likeness in bronze, I do hope to live long enough to read my own Morton obituary. If past practice is any indication . . . I will be portrayed in the most remarkable light.  It is then you might remark (as I have often done).  “That’s not the guy I remember, but maybe he wasn’t so bad after all.   

Your devoted colleague,

The Late: Matthew Smith,  

School Counselor, Morton East